chapter 10: “i wish i was doing that!”

what in the holy hell am i doing here?

it's dry-fest '07! i'm looking forlonly at the tap, wishing a wondeful, refreshing gush of water would come burbling out. i'm rewarded with only the sick whooshing sound of stale air, not a drop of H2O, and self-deprecating thoughts of how pathetic it is for a grown man to be depressed at the sight.

up until now, this blog has been filled with the wonderful, the odd, the adventurous and the new...some good, some bad, but overwhelmingly enjoyed. but right now i'm feeling a little less inclined to see the bright side, a melancholic mood likely brought about by lack of sleep and lately, constantly feeling sweaty, sticky and dirty.

yes, let's all feel sorry for poor, little ol' me.

so many people have commented on my radical departure with variations of “i wish i was doing that!” i'm not sorry i came for a second, but the reality of life here, and something that can't possibly be understood until you experience it, is that for someone used to the embarassment of riches canadians enjoy, it's hard. sometimes really hard. Obviously it's even harder for people here who can't spoil themselves with a nice dinner or a vacation.

i've lost track of how many days the taps at home have been dry. I think it's at least eight, but it might be more like ten. i know this: with every hopeful turn off the knob dashed, a little part of the hardy spirit in me dies. or at least shrivels up a little bit more. a few days isn't a problem. There are large buckets of water strategically positioned in the bathroom and kitchen. but after a week, we're down to the dregs, red clay-coloured water dashed with dust and dirt from the bottom of the old plastic receptacles. it means showers as i've known them no longer exist. i can wipe myself down with a few cups of the stuff, realizing i'm not getting clean and returning to my former condition only minutes later. refreshing! i idly wonder at various times during the day if i smell more like a dog, or some kind of tropical swamp beast. and i also wonder when i use my cell phone if the sweat from my head is going to short out the stupid thing and give me an electric shock.

add a broken fan and you have sleep dep for $500, alex!

but this isn't the only problem. when you get to know them, ghanaians are wonderful, and many of my interactions with strangers have been unbelievably friendly compared to the typical encounter with a stranger back home. but as fellow jhr trainer allison and i discussed when she came to visit last weekend, this can be a very uncomfortable place for foreigners, even though we are completely safe here. we are targets for people who have ideas about us. for ghanaian men, white women are thought of as an easy lay and a ticket to paradise.

if you're a white man, you can expect to be anointed the saviour of the financially downtrodden. once when i was buying a soft drink, i heard a curiously invisible voice say “buy me one.” i looked around for the source, and realized it came from a woman standing behind me. a complete stranger i'd never even laid eyes on before! no hello, no walking around into my field of vision. “buy me one,” was all she said. it took the shock a beat or two to register, followed quickly by anger. i was like a cash register. ring the bell and take the money. that's only the most dispiriting incident in a long line of them. i can count how many times i've been asked for money by kids with large, expectant eyes, or hustled by seemingly friendly strangers. it's happened so often that i begin to wonder if every meeting is going to end with me having to tell someone i won't give them some paltry some of money and feelings of anger and guilt.

it's not that i'm stingy. the amount of money requested on a case-by-case basis is practically meaningless to me. but because i'm living here, i know the problem is much bigger than the sums demanded. i think much of the scarcity since the end of formalized colonialism here can be blamed on the expectation that when africa suffers, they need only go to the network of charities masquerading as international organizations for a handout. i hate to sound conservative, but i can't lie to myself. it's not idelogical on my part, i just don't want to perpetuate a cycle of begging that i see destroying the ambition of a people who can do so much more. it creates dependency and an inferiority complex that feels like slavery all over again.

“yes, massa!”

the result is a sickening compulsion to kowtow to the oh-so-generous white man, who is NOT helping the situation. so i say to ghanaians: stop giving me your seat! stop serving me first when there are people ahead of me in line! respect yourselves, dammit!

i can't save the world. right now, all i can bring myself to do is escape into a book and wait for the dawn of a new day and renewed optimism. this is what i signed up for, and i know I'll be fine.

but i can't help but wonder if africa will be.